Philadelphia: The Swarm

Several months after I moved to Philly, Reuben and I were able to rent an apartment.  We both had been living with his parents, until I could find a job. It was early December when we moved in. We spent the next few weeks trying to furnish our apartment and buy Christmas presents on our meager salaries. He suggested Wal-Mart.  I had never actually been in a Wal-Mart. I only shopped at Target. I’m kinda high-end.  Nevertheless, I acquiesced, because my wallet said Wal-Mart, even though my heart was at Target.

I was a little overwhelmed by the size of Wal-Mart.  The store was so large. We got a cart and started wandering through the aisles picking up household items and arguing about space and necessity. Reuben had a penchant for things featuring Bette Davis and I had one for toilet paper and throw pillows. Don’t Ask!  We decided to split up for a while to cool off and feed our addictions, without the other’s intervention.  I headed towards the throw pillows and that’s when things got interesting.  I was looking at some amazing floor pillows, trying to figure out how I could get them past Reuben, when a band of kids of varying ages passed by.  They were all a little unkempt. One of the smaller children had a kool-aid stain around his mouth and another had snot running down her face. The older kids clothes were visibly dirty and their hair was uncombed. They were screaming, laughing and tearing it up in the Wal-Mart at midnight. They were also completely unsupervised. As they were passing, one the of the older boys (he looked about 10) spotted me, stopped and called to his fellow ragamuffins to come look.

Let the games begin.

They stood at the end of the aisle and stared, I focused my gaze on the shelf.  After about a minute, I had enough, so I turned my head and stared back. They were startled that I was aware of them, so they ran. This was not to be the end of our encounter, instead they decided to stalk me. They were quick, agile and organized tracking me from aisle to aisle. Their strategy was to stay at the end of the aisle and peer around the shelves giggling and pointing.  When it looked like I was going to change aisles they ran several ahead and watched to see where I was going.  Their precision at tracking was pretty good, so I decided to play along. I faked them out a couple of times by making like I was going to change aisles and then I didn’t. That didn’t fool them. They gave me about a minute and when I didn’t move, they ran back to their original positions. During one of my fake-outs, one of the swarm faltered. The oldest girl got a little too excited and ran into me. After that tactical error, they regrouped and decided to split in half. Now they were positioned at both ends of the aisle. When one of them wanted to take a closer look, they walked quickly down the aisle, staring at me with the side-eye. The rest of the swarm, remained at the ends waiting for their turn. (Kinda of like a Soul Train Line.)  During the oldest girl’s next turn down the aisle, she decided to break with tradition and stood in front of me doing Rockette kicks. Her big finish was to circle me doing a jazz hand shimmy. The Swarm was in hysterics, I just stared blankly. I really wanted to laugh, but that would break the fourth wall. I have never seen a band of children work together in such unison. They were as organized as a paramilitary regiment. They kinda looked like the children of militia members.

The game had been going on for least twenty minutes, when I finally met Reuben in the bedding section. I was carrying a giant throw pillow, which immediately started an argument. Reuben was never and will never be pro throw pillow. I didn’t mention the swarm, although they were still in hot pursuit.  When they followed us to the next aisle, Reuben realized what was happening.  He asked, “Has this been happening the whole time?” and I answered “Yes, don’t worry about it.”   They followed us to one more aisle and Reuben had, had enough. He announced “That’s It” and then marched over to the swarm and clapped at them, like animals.  Their faces went from joy to shock.  They weren’t prepared to be addressed directly, so they just stood there with an “Oh Sh@t” look.  Then Reuben yelled in his deepest guttural voice “Get out of here!!” They spread like buckshot.  Reuben followed them part way down the aisle clapping at them as they scurried off.  I died laughing right there in the Wal Mart.  Reuben walked back and said “Crap, that was annoying.”    To which I replied, “See, If we had gone to Target, this wouldn’t have happened.”