When I was 18, I ran away from St. Louis. I ran away from it’s racism. I rarely spoke about it, when I was there. Mainly because I knew what many of your reactions would be. “Don’t be silly.” “That isn’t what is happening.” “That’s not racist.” “You aren’t like the others.”
I was the only black kid in my grade at Catholic school and one of four in my high school class. It takes a lot for a kid to speak up when you are the only one. I was already advocating for myself because of my height. Speaking up about race was too much. So, I lied to you and I am sorry for that.
I let the comments “You are cool for a black person.” and “You aren’t like the rest of them” go. I didn’t know what to say. It hurt. They were little gut punches, but I kept it to myself. I feared being ostracized and that wasn’t something I was willing to risk back then.
The one time I did speak up was in religion class at Nerinx. We were getting ready for prom, which was being held on a river boat. Our teacher asked how we were feeling about it.
A girl raised her hand and said
I am scared. We are going to be downtown, where the black people are. I am afraid I am going to get raped. My father said all black men want to sleep with white women.
Once again, I was the only black kid in that class. I was sick to my stomach. That girl was talking about my relatives. I am sure she didn’t think it through and didn’t really mean it. But, never the less she was talking about my father, brother, cousins and uncles. That is a lot for an afternoon religion class. The teacher asked for comments from others, so we could discuss. The teacher never addressed the racism. She just left it hanging in the air.
I raised my hand. I was too upset to control myself and I said
My father and brother are both black men and they wouldn’t touch you with a 10 foot pole.
The teacher freaked out and said
Cara that isn’t constructive!
But, I was seventeen and that’s the best I could do. The racism was still never addressed.
I went to Loyola in Chicago and it was better. There were more black people and we could discuss the issues freely and openly in class. But, I still held my tongue in private, when my friends made comments about black people.
I didn’t start getting really honest with myself, until I moved to Bed Stuy five years ago. I watched as the police pulled over my neighbors for walking down the street. I watched as they questioned them, while their children stood next to them. I sat with teenagers being held in the subway by police, because they are black. Fifteen and fourteen year olds, on their way to school, but now they have the indignity of being frisked. This is all before they reach their first class. Imagine what that does to your psyche in high school. I think it would be pretty hard to concentrate on your studies after that. Bed Stuy has made it impossible for me to hide from the state of my people and I can no longer be quiet about it.
So, I will apologize for not being honest. We are friends and I should have said something earlier. I didn’t have the words or the courage. I am saying it now and as a friend I hope you will accept my apology.
For those of you who say your children will never talk back to cops.
Ummm… Remember, I hung out with you and watched you talk back to cops. I saw you drinking underage, drunk driving, peeing in the street and smoking marijuana. Some of these activities happened in junior high (and some as early as grade school.) I know you. Why would your children be above that, you weren’t? It’s part of growing up. I know I did my fair share of rabble rousing.
Sorry Mom and Dad.
For those of you who ask “Why protest in the mall and disrupt business? What does that do?”
Remember the Civil Rights movement. Do you remember Rosa Parks? The boycott she started crippled the Montgomery municipal bus system. We all think that’s pretty cool now. Well, why not now in St. Louis? Rosa Parks was a badass. So are Amy Hunter and Antonio French.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montgomery_Bus_Boycott
Protesting peacefully in malls during Black Friday is fair game. What point would it be to protest in a corner. Social change is supposed to hurt. It’s like surgery to fix a ruptured tendon. It’s messy and will get messier if left unattended. You have to listen.
The black community is standing with an open wound and please if your next comment is “Well it’s their fault.” Just don’t comment, until you read about the Jim Crow laws.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Crow_laws
and in St. Louis’ history
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shelley_v._Kraemer
http://www.stlmag.com/Mapping-the-Divide/
This is my neighbor who fought against blockbusting in University City. His wife Joy and daughter Denise are still fighting for change.
After reading these articles, If you still think it’s all black people’s fault, you aren’t looking for change and your comments will not be constructive. Don’t bother.
Some black people’s reaction to injustice has not been constructive.
Rioting is not constructive, because it’s like depression; anger turned inwards. That doesn’t mean you get to shut down and pray that this one blows over quickly.
If someone is sick do you say,
“Oh well sucks to be you, it’s your fault.”
If a person says “Hey I don’t feel well?”
Do you say “Suck it up?”
I went to Catholic school with many of you and I have seen your Facebook posts about attending church. Are you listening, when you go? Or, are you tapping your foot, thinking about the doughnuts afterwards? I am not going to lie, I think a lot about doughnuts, while in church. But, I still remember the hours of religion class I spent with you learning about Jesus. We were taught, Jesus was kind, forgiving and willing to lend a hand. That’s what I remember from my years of religious education. I also remember the annual Lenten Jesus Christ Superstar screening in grade school and giggling with you about the ridiculous clothing. Weirdly, as an adult, I dress like I am in the touring production of JC Superstar.
This isn’t the time to talk about it.
When, tell me when? Let’s make an appointment. I’ll show up, will you?
This isn’t how to go about it.
How, tell me how? Let’s have a discussion.
This doesn’t effect me.
Well, then we aren’t friends. Because if my pain, isn’t yours, then you aren’t really a friend.
We are too young to be this closed minded. The language some of us are using sounds like we were raised in the Jim Crow South. WE WEREN’T! WE ARE TOO YOUNG! WHY ARE WE ACTING LIKE OLD PEOPLE? We should be excited that America might finally have equality. We should be joining in and figuring out how we can help. This is exciting. This is democracy. You should be teaching your children about it. This is how we keep moving. PROGRESS
When you decide you want to talk about it and realize that my pain is yours, I will be waiting right here. I have known you for years, this is personal to me. You should respect and validate my feelings. They are my feelings, they can’t be wrong. Note: I didn’t say opinion, I said feelings.
I know that I am older than you, but I can envision everything you just stated. SJA. Thank you.
Thank you
Cara, this was really powerful. Well done!
I didn’t go to school with you (I am quite a bit older than you), but we had the same wonderful babysitter, Betty. She was one of the best influences and teachers in my life, as she was differently-abled physically and showed us that it didn’t matter.
I live in Dellwood now, surrounded by Ferguson on all sides, with my husband. There IS indeed lots of racism throughout all of the St Louis area. Your commentary is right on target. I understand why you moved away as soon as you were old enough. Racism has a solid presence throughout the whole country, though.
I wish you all the best!
Jane
We did share a wonderful babysitter. She coached me through being differently abled. She has always been an inspiration to me. This whole country is sick with racism. I really would love St. Louis to be a leader in the cure. St. Louis is a wonderful town with a big problem. Thanks for reaching out.
Cara
Cara, you are truly amazing. I am an Alpha in St Louis. Your dad brags about you regularly. Not just in a fatherly way, but one of real admiration. Although I have not had the honor of meeting you yet, I now know why and agree with Bro. Reedy’s assessment. Excellent article! Ironically, my stepdaughter has walked a similar path, from Nerinx and now to Loyola-Chicago. Before that, she went to Christ the King in UCity. I’d love for you and her to connect as I believe you are someone she can absolutely learn from. — Will Dailey
Thank you so much. I would love to meet her.
As a black female who was also the one of few in catholic grade & high school. I feel like you wrote for me as well. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing.
Cara, this is a powerful, honest piece. May I please share it?
Absolutely! Thank you!
Cara, Thank you so much for this wonderful article. I had the honor to go to high school with your brother and fellowship with your Dad & my fraternity brother over the years!
Thank you! I have heard of you! My family speaks very highly of you.
I don’t know you and I certainly didn’t live your experience, but this is the best, most honest assessment of the elephant in the room that many seem to want to ignore and instead focus on only the aspects of Michael brown and Darren Wilson which serve to reinforce stereotypes.
A friend shared this on her facebook page, and I can’t wait to share this myself.
It’s so interesting to see how everyone views this situation so differently. I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I have had experiences as well, but I do not assume that everyone that has black skin acts vicious and criminal. (I went down on Cherokee St. to pick up my veil for my wedding and a black man pulled a knife on me…another time, I went to get my haircut down on Shaw and 3 black teenagers chased me in the salon yelling at me for no reason). People can go on and on and on about their life and what they have lived to see with white/black people. But…the law is the law, and that is what it boils down to. Respect and abide the law, and then you won’t find yourself 6 feet underground. Even after all of the factual information given to the public on the trial., people are protesting?!?! Protesting what?! I find it sickening that protestors have turned it into color…or are they protesting the laws that our United States of America is built upon? Shame on them, for turning this racial- you can’t fight the law!!!! THe law is the law! duh!
Amelia – I’m sorry you had such scary experiences. Sadly, there are bad people in this world we need to protect each other and ourselves from. Obviously, bad people come in all colors. Yet, when you say, “the law is the law,” it seems obvious that you are missing the point. Jim Crow was the “law.” Not being able to marry a person of another race was the “law.” Being able to beat your wife (rule of thumb) was the “law.” Just because it’s the law doesn’t mean it’s moral or right. Please, go watch Eyes on the Prize, all of it. It will explain what these protest are about. Centuries of police brutality and “lawful” killing of our black citizens.
Cara, your honest and powerful words about your feelings moved me, and you have no doubt started many conversations. Everyone who knows you at the Florissant Valley library of St. Louis Community College, where your amazing father worked for years, is proud of you, and also a little in awe. Brava, Cara! Since you shared so many resources, I’m adding a to your list: http://guides.stlcc.edu/racialunrest
OMG Cara I can’t believe that story about Nerinx – I most definitely was not in the same religion class with you or I would have had your back. Dying to know who asked such a ridiculous question, and which teacher you had 🙂
Thanks Melissa! I let you know offline over drinks!
Wow! Cara you are so eloquent! Why hasn’t CNN interviewed you regarding Ferguson? Thank you for educating me regarding St. Louis during the Jim Crow era.
Cara, you’re inadvertently guilty of some stereotyping yourself. All old people aren’t bigots, and all people can change. The problem is most are comfortable in their assumptions and just don’t want to. That said, this is a powerful piece and thank you for sharing it.
You are right. All old people aren’t bigots and I thought about that when I wrote this. I guess I was just trying to rally my generation to stop being set in their ways. That part of the piece was clumsy and I apologize for that. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for this article. I think the biggest issue is getting people to sit down and realize that we all are people and we need to work together. I live in St Louis and it is very segregated. But I would like to think we have a lot of great people in this metro area who can make a difference. You need to have a meet up for everyone to meet you!
This is an amazing article, and a necessary part of the conversation, but it is only half of the story. You put into words beautifully the pain I perceive when I see a friend who is black, or Mexican or middle eastern tense up when a policeman appears. I don’t like being part of a society that does that. I also don’t like being beaten bloody because I am white.
“Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” -vs- “you are known by the company you keep”… I try to teach my kids both of these phrases… but it is hard. We teach our kids with generalizations because they can’t handle the nuance at first. I teach my kids from my experience – “if you see kids dressed like that and acting like that, cross the street, go somewhere populated, find a cop…” because 6 young men dressed like that whom I waved at cheerfully (I am a hopeless extrovert) as I came out of a movie theater at 11:30 in the evening beat me senseless for my wallet and left me in a pool of blood. and twice in south city STL young men dressed like that robbed my at gunpoint… so I don’t let my kids play outside at night. Period. Because black boys who dress like they are tough look a lot like black boys who ARE tough.
I cringe to think what comes out of the mouths of my kids at school in the presence of their black classmates and friends… but I want them to be safe… How do we protect them from the thugs (of which there are too many in the black population right now) but teach them to tolerate and accept their peers who just dress and talk like thugs -because as you point out, that is what teens do… I am sorry for your pain, but I also want to protect my kids… and they think in generalizations…
This will be a very long road. Some of the solution will involve addressing WHY so many young black men are becoming thugs & addressing the causes of broken families in the black population, and so many other issues… while we are pointing out elephants…
Thank you for starting the conversation..
I always say ‘There are two kinds of people from St. Louis; those who never leave and those who never go back” I, too, ran.
Thanks for writing this. I am touched and am going to share it with my friends and family. Those who say that justice has been served and racism is done have blinders on. Hopeful we can begin a dialogue.
I really hope people start talking to each other.
I am so glad I found this article! I’m from St Charles, MO originally and have been in New York for the past two years. Actually super close to you; in Crown Heights.
Thank you for your voice.
That’s wonderful, you are so close. There are a lot of St. Louis transplants in Brooklyn. Thanks for reading!
If you attended Catholic schools, as Cara did, you probably know that Cara means love. Thank you for showing some, Cara, by writing and sharing this. It is truly right on.
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment!
This is wonderful. Thank you.
Thank You!
Thank you for this wonderful essay. Wish we’d been at Nerinx at the same time; that was when 8 brave girls came to be the first Black students there. I don’t go to church anymore, but I treasure the amazing education I received there, along with all the lessons in courage and working forward to change the direction of history.
Me too. I love Nerinx, absolutely love the education I got there. Some of my best friends are from there. And that is why I felt comfortable saying something. We were taught about girl power every single day. Thank you for sharing your story. Nerinx girls unite!
You are one amazing woman. You answered all the comments! Thank you again. I love this blog.
Emily H. Nerinx ’59
my friend/chiropractor shared your link (she’s from St. Louis originally but I don’t know if you know her directly). I’m a white native Clevelander and I have seen many similar instances that you describe happen to people of color. I married into a Chinese immigrant family 15 years ago and husband’s parents live with us. It’s not nearly as bad for them dealing with whites (tho the linguistic discrimination can be really disgusting, too), and I have had to work on their attitudes toward our darker skinned community members when they moved in with us 8 years ago. Thank goodness I had the courage to do so, and to insist that they wouldn’t say such things in front of my children, since their other son (my brother-in-law) married a wonderful, gorgeous dark-skinned Jamaican woman about 18 months ago if my sense of linear time isn’t totally thrown. So never mind “those are fellow human beings you’re talking about” that’s been my standard response, and then encouraging looking for points of commonality instead of difference, now I can say “that’s my FAMILY you’re talking about, including my not-yet-born nieces or nephews”.
Also, as a differently abled adult myself, it was REALLY really lovely to read your kind comments about your former babysitter. I hope I’m leaving half as good a lasting impression on the children I come in contact with (which are a lot, since I have four kids and am actively involved in my church & the kids’ school). I plan to share your article with my own ministers, our church has been working very intentionally on cross-cultural/racial understanding (I hate calling it “anti-racism/anti-oppression” – I’d rather be PRO-cross-cultural-understanding-and-compassion).
Really beautifully written and compassionately brutally honest piece. Thank you so much for being part of the effort to make the world a better place.
Thank you so much! I think if we all pitch in we can change the world. I am hopeful things are going to get better soon. As my friend recently said to me “Just work on one person at a time.” I have been repeating that in my head everyday since.
This is wonderful! I as you grew up in and attending school in Ladue, so I know the only and few blacks in the midst of a sea of white. I however was the one with the mouth! Even though many times I paid for the “mouth” I never backed down. I thank you for this eloquent disposition on life in St. Louis.
Thank you! I had to grow into my mouth.
Depression isn’t anger turned inwards, even though pop psychologists pushed that idea in the 80s and 90s. It’s an illness as much as diabetes or epilepsy.
Depression is not the same sort of illness as diabetes or epilepsy, it is an illness of emotions and chemical reactions in the mind. I feel your comment is pointless, you are missing the big picture. I would love to go on about how in fact Depression is often a result of anger turned inward. And how our emotions function in the brain as chemicals. However that derails from the point here. This woman has laid her heart out on the line, listen to her words. The picture of her life they create, respect it. Maybe you will find inspiration to hear a girl out. I am certainly grateful, Thank you for sharing Cara. Your story is important.
You didn’t lie, so apologies are not necessary. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.
The lack of love and compassion in the world disturbs me. People can pretend all they want to, but racism is still the “elephant” in the room. There can never be a change without people telling their story and keeping the light on inequality like you have.
Racism won’t end without action. I’m going to take a hard look at my life and be as honest with myself as you have been with me.
Thank you, I have been looking for stories like this. As a ‘White’ I want to have this conversion. I want the perspective of African Americans, I want to help change. I feel like going up to strangers and opening with a conversation on race may not be welcome when one is shopping at the quilt store. I talk to my friends who are of minority cultures, all I can do is listen and stand up for them when I can. I have no idea what I can do other then talk and listen. I hear you, your story is important.
Hi, Cara. It’s really awesome to “meet” another woman from STL living in the NYC area! I love it here and have been here for a few years but especially as a Black woman from STL, it’s hard to find people who really understand STL as a microcosm of how the whole country works. Your perspective on this situation was refreshing to read; I also attended predominantly White schools and college in Missouri and your sentiments echo a lot of my own. And I must say I love your writing style!
Well said! This is one of the best pieces I’ve read in recent days. Thank you for putting it out there.
We all struggle with inadvertent prejudice and insensitivity. One of the best compliments I have ever been paid came from a Sierra Leonian friend who is ten years older than me. She called me colour blind.
As a Nerinx alum, I am outraged that you had that experience. What kind of empowered woman would ask such an ignorant question!?! (And I’m dying to know what teacher let it happen, even though there’s nothing I can do about it now. Just, UGH, what an awful situation!! AND SO NOT LORETTO.) Please know that had we been in the same class, you would not have been the only one commenting.
Also, thank you for posting this. I have family that are from rural MO and – let’s put it gently – pretty misinformed on how the real world works. I have heard almost word for word the arguments you present here. And I have never been able to address them so eloquently. Thank you.
Ms. Reedy, my name is Emma Lohman and I am an Nerinx senior and Editor of Hallways. I was wondering if I could talk with you. My twitter handle is emma_ml_lohman. Let me know! Thanks.
I kick myself too for the things I didn’t say in high school. The overt slights and the unintentional and the just plain rude. I was the kid that didn’t belong with the black kids and didn’t fit with the white kids…I was the in the middle…no place to retreat, so I kept my mouth shut. I don’t do that anymore either….and I make sure my kids know that even though they “pass,” this is their struggle too.
It’s hard to speak up when you are the only one. You have to do it when you are able. And now you are and are teaching your children to.