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Philadelphia: The Beginning

I moved to Philadelphia at twenty-three without a plan. Well, no real plan.  The general idea was to go to photography school, but I hadn’t spent much time figuring out how I would pay for it. (No concept of money) I already had bachelor’s degrees in Political Science and Theatre which qualified me for, well, not much.  My work experience at the time consisted of seasonal retail work, food service, an internship with the London Labour Party and one year as an office manager. I figured I could find a job doing “something” and then go to school at night.  How hard could it be?

Philadelphia has some of the best art schools in the country.  Also, my best friend (Sarina) and my college roommates (Bob and Reuben) were there.  If I am being honest, the art schools were a secondary draw.  Anyway, Bob, Reuben and I were planning to move in together and relive old times. (Party)  They went apartment hunting in my absence and found a great townhouse in Center City Philadelphia. Things were perfect.

Enter Bob’s girlfriend, whom he left in Ohio. She decided at the eleventh hour to move to Philadelphia too. Luckily, the townhouse was big enough for all of us.  Everything seemed great. (More Roommates=Cheaper Rent=Beer Money) Bob’s girlfriend and I decided to coordinate housewares and get to know each other over the phone. From my perspective, the conversation went well. As it turns out, she didn’t feel the same way. Bob called me two nights before I was to leave home and said we couldn’t live together. (Wonderful birthday present) “Moose” didn’t think it was a good idea (After this, I never called her by her given name.)  Since we were no longer going to live together, Bob suggested I stay in St. Louis. I told him that living together was not critical to my move or my life. I probably was not that articulate. (Lots of four letter words) Reuben was living with his parents, so it wasn’t essential for him to find an apartment. (Bob, as it so happens, was also living with Reuben’s parents.)  I was angry and scared. “She’s leaving home” by the Beatles was on repeat for twenty-four hours, while I cried and packed. (My brother tried to hide the cd six hours in.) Two days later, without a home, a job or a plan, my Dad and I packed my car and headed towards Philadelphia and my new (uncertain) life.

I moved in with Sarina and her roommate Alix, until I could find a job and an apartment.  But, finding a job proved more difficult than I thought.  I called several temp agencies I worked with in St. Louis. Over the phone they were confident they could find work for me. However, once I turned up at the agencies, the work miraculously disappeared. (a common theme in my life and job searches) I had an interview with a student travel agency and again nothing. Alix taught me how to sneak into a U of Penn computer lab to look for jobs on the internet. (The internet was still fairly new in 1998 and Sarina and Alix didn’t have a connection at home.)  I responded to hundreds of want ads, but for all the effort, I still wasn’t able to find work.

My car also turned out to be a major obstacle in finding a job.  Sarina’s apartment was in Center City Philadelphia, which meant I spent most of my days moving my car every two hours. (The show “Parking Wars” isn’t actually dramatizing.) Competition for spots was so fierce, it sometimes took an hour to find a new space. There were frequent screaming matches among the car mover set and in some cases arguments turned physical.  Fresh from the midwest, I hadn’t cultivated my aggression yet. Philadelphia requires aggression to perform the most basic of tasks. (i.e. grocery shopping, drive thrus, post office, pumping gas and most importantly driving.) During my first month, I lost many a parking spot, by being polite.  Sometimes I would pull up to a spot, turn on my blinkers and then before I could even turn my steering wheel, someone would come behind me and throw their car in the spot. (Parking blinkers in Philadelphian translates to, here’s a spot, take it.) The use of blinkers in Philadelphia is always ill-advised. It’s literally asking people to take advantage of you. During my early days, I was taken advantage of a lot. But, by the time I moved four years later, I was the fiercest, most aggressive, volatile driver of all my friends.

One day on one of my parking excursions ( I had five daily), I picked up the Philadelphia weekly, (the free newspaper.)  I also got lucky and found a spot in only 30 minutes. I ran home quickly and started looking through the classifieds. (With 1 hour and 45 minutes, until my next excursion, I had to run.)  My eye caught this bright yellow ad that said “Do you like Art?”, “Do you like people?” Come work in a relaxed environment around art. We are currently hiring sales people.”  This was exactly what I was looking for. I knew this was it.  I called immediately and a young woman answered.  I told her that I saw the ad and was interested in the position.  She asked me some rather basic questions like “Are you good with people?”  “Do you like art?”  “How much experience have you had with sales?”  I told her about my love of art and my time working in a department store and how I much I just love people (I was a theatre major, I laid it on.)  She said great, “Please come in at four tomorrow for an interview.”  I couldn’t believe my luck! Finally, an interview.  I  was so excited, I couldn’t wait for Sarina and Alix to come home.

When they got home a couple of hours later, I met them at the door with my news. I described the job as working for an art gallery (The ad never mentioned gallery and neither did the woman who interviewed me, but what else could it be?)   I laid out my interview suit that night and double checked my directions. I was so hopeful.

This is the first installment in my Philadelphia series. Please come back for the The Interview. You won’t be disappointed…

Dirty Bums

My very first concert was a New Kids on the Block concert at Six Flags.  I begged and pleaded with my mother to let me go un-chaperoned with my friends. My mother bottom lined it and said “Go with me or don’t go at all.”  The surly teenager in me didn’t want to be seen with her, but my love of the New Kids overrode the horror and embarrassment of attending with my mom.

Concert day arrived and I drove my mother crazy all day.  I wanted to go when the park opened at 8am (The concert didn’t start until 8pm.)  My mother threatened to call the whole thing off, if I didn’t cool it. So I cooled it long enough to get in the car.  We finally left at Noon and I forced my mother to listen to a NKOTB retrospective, during our 45 minute drive. (45 minutes was all it took to go through the entire New Kids catalogue.) When we arrived, one of the workers told us that we needed to head towards the amphitheatre right away, because the line had already started.  This set my teenage angst into hyper drive. I was relentless with the complaints. Some examples of my grievances: “I told ya so, I told you we weren’t going to get good seats, we’re going to miss it, you ruined this for me.” (I’m annoying myself now.)

We reached the line and my hopes of actually seeing the concert were dashed. The line was two blocks long and the amphitheatre was tiny. We joined the line anyway.  I quickly made friends with the people on the other side of the fence. (The other side of the fence was the front of the line, I’m no fool.)   My new friends eventually said “Hey you want to cut with us?”   I gave my mom the “I Love You Mommy Look” and she said “ok.”  Keep in mind, cutting the line would require my mother to crawl on her hands and knees in amusement park dirt (Eww).  The vision of my mother’s rear end crawling underneath the fence is still imbedded in my brain.  (That’s LOVE people!)  I just knew this was going to be the best day of my life.  I was going to see the New Kids up close and personal.  What more could a thirteen year old girl ask for in 1988?

The gates finally opened and everyone rushed in.  My mom and I got 8th row seats.  I was so close I thought I might get hit with Jordan ‘s sweat.  (Oh the joy!!!) The lights went down and Tiffany (the opening act) came out. I could have cared less about her, but a major problem revealed itself when she started singing.  Everyone stood up and I couldn’t see the stage. (Actually, I couldn’t see anything but the rears of the people in front of me.)  My hopes were dashed again.  I had worked hard and come so far, just to be stuck watching asses.  To add insult to injury, my personal space was being invaded by the foulest of smells.  I was gagging, it stank so badly.  I realized the smell was coming from the rears of the people around me.  I pouted and held my nose through most of the concert.  The only bright light of the whole evening was when a security guard rescued me and let me hang out in the orchestra pit for ten minutes.  That totally made up for the rest of the concert.  I could almost touch Jordan . (Cue 13-year-old swoon.)  It was all I wanted out of life.  I left the amusement park on a complete high.  My mother and I drove home to the sounds of NKOTB, until she lost her mind and pulled the tape out of the stereo. She also put the mother’s curse on me, you know the one.  “I hope you have a child just like you, yada yada.” (I don’t have any kids yet, so only time will tell if the curse worked.)

I went to two more concerts in high school with the same results. As soon as the concert started, I got the wrong end of the ass. I don’t go to concerts any more.  If I want to stare at random people’s asses, I’ll just ride the subway.

PSA: Little People are subject to YOUR ASS- Wash your nether regions. Little People come very close to your derrieres. We don’t choose it, it just happens to us.  Take a shower; wipe your ass- save a little person.

The Top Ten

Most Ridiculous Reactions to My Height

1. Patting me on the head (You don’t ever touch a black woman’s hair – EVER. There are men married to black women who have never touched their wives hair.)

2. Stopping, staring and then saying out loud “There’s a midget!.” Then smiling and saying “Hello”- (At that point I know you have been talking about me – I’m not deaf and you aren’t whispering.)

3. Starting a fake conversation by calling me someone else’s name, just so you can hear me speak.  (Sometimes I go along with it and ask some random question like “Wasn’t that a fantastic reunion last week?”)

4. Getting angry if I don’t want to stop and talk (I would suggest yoga, it calms the mind and you seem to have an anger management problem.)

5. Asking me how old I am? (Really, I shouldn’t even have to comment on this one.)

6. Asking me how tall I am (Anyone who has passed the second grade should be able to guess.)

7. Asking me if I can get you free tickets to the circus (Am I wearing a clown costume?)

8. Asking me if I am capable of having children. (No, apparently they ‘ve left that up to stupid people.)

9. Asking me how I have sex, “Is it regular?”  (If you have to ask  “Don Juan” then you don’t know what you are doing and I am not interested.)

10. Asking me to take a picture with you. (Unless I am commanding a 7 figure salary, I don’t do that.)

Bonus

11. Wow, you are really short! (WHAT?!!! I’d always wondered why I couldn’t reach the top shelves.)